I am so horribly sick, and I just broke my fake Chanel necklace. The only thing that brings me joy in this cold, dark, lonely world is my new nails I bought from Walgreens. I know some people feel like the gold standard for gals is getting them done at a fancy salon, but I love buying pre-made nails, and I refuse to hide this secret anymore!!

Let me tell you why I love them so!

They are so cheap (most of the time)

Nails at drugstores and supermarkets are around $5-$7 dollars. On ebay you can buy them for as low as $3! Look at these amazingly glittery tacky things! You know you would pay $3 dollars to have amazing tranny nails like that! I know you can type deco nails in etsy or ebay and get amazing expensive stuff, but I can’t ever bear to pay that much for them anymore. I always lose them at work and cry because I spent so much, then my bosses always wonder why I cry over losing a press on nail but not over losing the keys to the store all the time. It’s gives me a bad image, worse than glitter zebra nails ever could.

They are everywhere

I live in Arkansas, people. Not in SoCal or NYC (yet) where I can run down the street and get my nails done. Okay, okay, so there ARE nail salons, but they usually only do solid colors or french tips, and the people who do fancy stuff never understand why I would want my nails done in glitter leopard. Or they can’t understand why I would drive to the next town or pay more than a standard acrylic set to get them done. JUST DO MY NAILS OK? The cashier at Walgreens won’t look at me strange when I buy a pack of nails and Doritos, they’ve seen people buy pregnancy tests at 3 in the morning.

Tell me some deep dark beauty secret of yours. Pretend it’s a sleepover and that I won’t tell anyone (I won’t, promise! ). Or just make up an amazing secret, starting this hilarious internet rumor about yourself. You’re a celebrity!

PS – My posts on my wordpress blog are being crossposted to lj not only because I have a captive audience, but because I know most of you thought I died after turning off loud twitter and were looking for my obituary. Well, put down the paper, I’m still here. Use the money you planned on spending on flowers to send me glittery animal print nails.

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